In what Chairman Dick Durbin called “the most unconventional hearing in congressional history,” Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg testified via livestream while cage-fighting due to a scheduling conflict. Senator Amy Klobuchar asked about Meta’s data collection as metallic clanging grew louder. “Mr. Zuckerberg, user privacy?” she said. Off-screen, Musk yelled, “DODGE THIS, LIZARD BOY!” Zuckerberg vanished from frame in what witnesses called a perfectly executed takedown. Musk, mid–submission hold, proposed replacing hearings with “gladiatorial combat streams monetized through X Premium.” Senator Ted Cruz tried to discuss moderation. Musk paused his chokehold to tout “a more aerodynamically efficient fighting stance” and requested a vacuum chamber. Speaking through blood, Zuckerberg assured Cruz that Meta’s guidelines “definitely prohibit whatever Elon is doing to my spleen.” Senator Josh Hawley pressed them on misinformation as Musk introduced “flame-based fighting enhancements,” producing a modified flamethrower. Zuckerberg, now black-eyed, explained fact-checking while dodging jets of fire. The bout ended when both noticed trending hashtags. Musk announced, “Someone on X said my ground game looks sus,” and started typing. Zuckerberg crafted a lengthy Instagram story defending his defense. Durbin adjourned, noting it was “somehow still more productive than our usual tech hearings.”