LONDON — Newly unearthed 1968 Beatles tapes reveal Lennon, McCartney, and Starr accidentally birthed death metal during early Helter Skelter experiments. Found in a can marked “Paul’s Granny Music — DO NOT USE,” the reels capture what producer Giles Martin calls “sonic brutality that would make Cannibal Corpse weep.” Ringo’s drums were tuned so low they allegedly cracked Studio Two, while Lennon and McCartney’s distortion formed a “beautiful wall of darkness,” as Finnish pioneer Alexi Laiho once put it. “We were just mucking about,” a shaken McCartney said. “John wanted it to sound like a bloody earthquake. We cranked everything, dropped three octaves, and Ringo played caveman beats.” The walls “started bleeding,” and roadie Neil fled screaming about “the coming apocalypse.” The 14-hour session ran on black coffee and what McCartney called “Yoko’s experimental biscuits.” Dr. Metallica Corpseface of Helsinki hailed the find as sacred vindication. “When I heard Ringo’s blast beats, I wept blood,” she said. Finland’s Metal Archives plans to induct the trio as “Founding Fathers of Nordic Darkness.” A 50-foot statue is proposed. Abbey Road bookings have surged. Reinforced walls are in. So is a full-time exorcist, purely precautionary and unrelated to the Latin chanting from Studio Two on full moons.