CEDAR RIDGE, OH—At 3:02 a.m., Grandma Doris “Dot” McKelvey blew a silver whistle and 2,000 neighbors surged toward Mapleview Park Gym. She called it the Pokémon Go Neighborhood Watch. Reflective vests. Walkie-talkies. Safety cones around the PokéStop. Doris, 78, cited public safety and correct berry usage as the mission. “Crime hates cardio,” she said, marching with a clipboard, a lantern, and three power banks labeled ‘Justice.’ Residents said the patrol began small. Ten seniors, one dog, and strict curfew checks for Team Valor. It grew after Doris issued her first “berry citation” to a teen who let a Blissey’s motivation dip. “Reckless neglect,” she scolded, handing a $5 fine and a laminated chart of optimal feeding intervals. Parents applauded. Police shrugged. “They keep the raccoons moving,” said Officer Bramley, waving at a column of dads chanting, “Golden Razz or go home.” Doris added siren apps to standard loadout. By week’s end, Doris established a midnight council, gym zones, and a three-strike policy for missing Great Curveballs. Offenders must attend “Etiquette and Berries” in the church basement. Last night, the patrol rerouted traffic for a Snorlax nap safety perimeter. Doris cited the town charter, then that one Niantic blog post. “We protect the streets,” she said, “and the gyms pay rent.”