Serena Williams stunned reporters by unveiling a death metal band, not a business venture. Wearing studded leather and corpse paint, she brandished a guitar shaped like an oversized racket. “I’ve been constrained by tennis,” she said. “My true calling is channeling rage about foot faults into bone-crushing riffs.” Then she played “Smash This Net,” proving her 128-mph serve translates to feral downstrokes. “The power comes from the same place,” she growled between screams about the 2018 US Open. “Ace or solo about ATP corruption, it’s hip rotation.” Coach Patrick Mouratoglou reportedly wept into his clipboard, whispering about wasted potential. Her debut, Love Means Nothing, hit number one. Critics were baffled yet compelled. Standouts include Umpire’s Lament and a 47-minute track of her shrieking “THAT WAS IN!” over increasingly complex guitars. She then challenged retired athletes to a bracketed “ultimate musical tournament.” Winners get a belt made of guitar picks. “I’ve conquered tennis; now I’m coming for metal,” she said, smashing a racket on an amp. She called for Brady’s folk duo, Jordan’s jazz, and Woods’ symphonic black metal. Shaq launched Free Throw Line Anxiety. Phelps may be recording about chlorine dread.