SANTA MONICA, CA — Local resident Sarah “Moonbeam” Henderson has reportedly achieved a level of enlightenment where urgency no longer exists. The 23-year-old barista, née Sarah Miller, now greets house fires and parking tickets with the same serene smile and a whisper of “namaste, beautiful soul.” Authorities are weighing whether she’s a public safety hazard or simply needs a sunny windowsill and twice-weekly watering. The phenomenon went public when her apartment caught fire. Neighbors evacuated. Henderson sat cross-legged amid flames, practicing breathwork. “She told me to release attachment to material possessions,” said neighbor Janet Kowalski. Fire Chief Marcus Rodriguez said her heart rate stayed at 60 bpm. “Either nirvana or incense,” he noted. Days later, a carjacker returned her keys after she coached him through box breathing. “Unprecedented,” said Detective Maria Santos. “We’ve never seen detachment like this from yoga alone.” Her instructor, Chakra Williams (née Chuck), calls it “ultimate surrender,” which also explains three missed barista shifts. A councilmember proposes classifying Henderson as a sentient plant: minimal needs, loves sunlight, photosynthesizes good vibes. Henderson, opening a $200-a-session studio, offered crystals and urged us to “release linear time,” then announced plans to marry her meditation cushion.