CUPERTINO, CA — Apple stock slid after Larry David torched Siri for interrupting his therapy to pitch a Melrose bistro. Tim Cook spent Monday idling outside David’s home, honking and apologizing through a megaphone. David called Apple “the digital embodiment of everything wrong with human civilization,” igniting a selloff that wiped billions and triggered industry-wide panic breathing. “I’m unpacking decades of anxiety about my grandmother’s brisket and this mechanical harpy suggests lunch,” David said, waving his iPhone. “What’s next? My toaster interrupts my shower? My shoes give directions?” A neighbor’s livestream of his 15-minute rant went viral, including the line, “Tim Cook has personally ruined silence.” Cook, fueled by energy drinks and dread, offered a handwritten apology, a custom iPhone with mute-for-life Siri, a kosher fruit basket, and even naming rights. David refused, launching a “Great Digital Detox” by smashing Apple gear and praising rotary phones. #LarrysRight hit 2 million mentions. Cook weighed hiring a Seinfeld writer and a Bernie Sanders mediation, while David admired an ’80s answering machine’s “honest simplicity.”