CUPERTINO, CA — Apple announced Taylor Swift as its new Chief Framework Evangelist on Monday, then let her run a town hall that immediately canceled SwiftUI. Wearing a black turtleneck and glitter boots, she introduced “1989 Storyboards,” a retro UI system named after her album. The slide deck read, “Shake It Off() is deprecated.” Engineers clapped once, then checked the date. It was not April 1. Swift took questions and turned them into choruses. “I know you wanted declarative,” she said, “but you also want stuff that actually compiles.” A senior engineer from iOS Tools nodded like a hostage. She unveiled Interface Builder plugins called Blank Space, Bad Blood, and Out Of The Woods. An intern asked about multiplatform. “It’s universal if you believe,” she replied, strumming a one-chord demo while Xcode auto-indented in fear. She closed by reading a handwritten note on the projector: “Dear Xcode, it’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me. I’m sorry for stringly-typed outlets and we’re never ever getting back with SwiftUI.” The letter ended with a checkbox: “Do you still crash on build? Yes/No/Maybe.” Xcode immediately beachballed. Everyone cheered like it was a feature.