MILLBROOK, TX — After six months of eating only beef, pork, and chicken, local carnivore Derek Mansfield, 34, says he can talk to livestock. Peterson Family Ranch hired him as its official translator after he claimed a Holstein named Bessie complained about “subpar mineral content” and demanded creekside grass. Rancher Bob Peterson reports milk is up 23% since Mansfield started three weeks ago. “It kicked in around month four when a ribeye tried to chat,” Mansfield said, flanked by attentive cattle. “By month five, the meat counter wouldn’t shut up.” He says sheep are spreading clover rumors and hens gossip about the rooster’s commitment issues. The 47 pigs, meanwhile, are organizing. “They want premium slop twice daily and better mud in pen three,” Mansfield said. “They’ve elected a Yorkshire named Hamilton as shop steward.” Veterinarian Dr. Sarah Chen calls it protein-induced fantasy, not telepathy. Peterson has agreed to most pig demands to avoid an “oink-out.” Mansfield now has a consultation waiting list and is considering adding fish to unlock aquatic translation, though he fears the ocean’s “constant chatter.”