Taylor Swift announced plans to trademark human emotions after a study claimed 73% of feelings originate in her lyrics. At a Nashville presser beside legal towers and a Grammy shrine, she said feelings like heartbreak, vindictive satisfaction, and autumn sadness did not exist before 2006. The USPTO reportedly fast-tracked her filing, noting divorce rates spiked 340% after “Tim McGraw.” A fictional expert from the Institute for Retroactive Emotional Studies testified that pre-Swift couples lived in mild contentment until death. Under the plan, individuals pay $13 per emotional episode, with bulk deals for high-volume users. Wedding planners are revising budgets. Teenage diary makers report panic-buying. “An average diary now runs $847,” said Lisa Chen of Precious Memories. “Still cheaper than therapy.” Emotional auditors will patrol coffee shops, campuses, and rainy windowsills by fall. Fees are waived while listening to Swift, which she called a gift and good business. Her team says they’ve already trademarked 13, purple, and having enemies. The UN is allegedly stockpiling feelings.