TOPEKA, KS — Homeland Security triggered emergency protocols after 73-year-old Dorothy Flemming accepted 847 website cookies while hunting her late mother’s chocolate chip recipe. Searching “Grammy’s famous cookies with the crinkly tops,” she mistook CAPTCHAs for consent forms and “select all images with cookies” as a thoughtful baking survey. “Some had traffic lights, which seemed odd for a baking site,” she said. “Maybe a fancy European cookie thing.” Cyber expert Dr. Marcus Chen described a “digital tornado of pop-ups” as her laptop joined 312 social media accounts, subscribed to 89 crypto newsletters, and agreed to terms in 23 languages. “At one point it tried downloading all of Wikipedia while streaming 47 cooking shows,” he said. “She accepted cookies from websites that don’t exist yet.” The FBI mobilized three task forces after her IP mimicked a botnet. “Then we saw the recipe calls for a pinch of love,” said Special Agent Jennifer Walsh. Resolution arrived when neighbor Timothy, age 8, closed 847 tabs in 30 seconds. The recipe was on her counter. She may “try the internet again” after declining Bitcoin.