MENLO PARK, CA — In a historic funding milestone, founder Cem Kozinoglu announced a $20 raise at a $1 billion valuation, citing “vibes-based ARR” as the primary metric. The round closed in 11 minutes on Wednesday. The cap table features seven funds and a family office dog. The pre-money was also post-money. The proceeds will extend runway through lunch. The company’s product is currently “loading,” per the pitch deck. “Revenue is a colonial construct,” said one partner at Red Silo Capital, who wired $7. “We invest in felt momentum. Cem has that.” Term sheets included an anti-dilution clause for the $20. Andreessen Horowitz praised the deal and offered “exposure” as a follow-on, valued at market rates. “We bring community, memes, and a Spotify playlist,” said an a16z spokesperson, wearing a varsity jacket labeled GTM. A diligence memo measured Kozinoglu’s aura at 58 lumens, Series B-ready. Kozinoglu plans to allocate $12 to growth and $8 to compliance. The board approved a headcount plan: one founder, two advisors, and unlimited vibes. A celebratory party at Philz Coffee was oversubscribed. Sources say the company may file confidentially for an IPO if the $20 clears. “We’re disciplined,” Kozinoglu said. “We’ll raise again when we deserve $40.”