WASHINGTON—Calling it “the most methodical process in modern history,” President Trump outlined a two-week plan to decide on striking Iran: daily coin flips, Magic 8-Ball checks, and Mar-a-Lago dinner napkin ballots. He insisted it’s “very diplomatic,” and ordered only the finest napkins because “foreign policy deserves quality paper products.” The kickoff coin is a 1982 casino commemorative. Heads bomb, tails don’t. The 8-Ball gets the tiebreak—unless it says “Reply hazy, try again.” Chief of Staff Susie Wiles said golf caddies from Trump properties were convened for insights “from the back nine.” Caddie Miguel Hernandez weighed uranium enrichment while cleaning a sand wedge. Trump is also watching Diet Coke fizz for divine signals: more fizz, green light; less fizz, restraint. At 3:17 AM, he tweeted: “Thinking about bombing Iran but their pistachios are tremendous.” Minutes later: “8-Ball says ‘Outlook not so good,’ napkins 23–19 yes, coin heads. Very confusing! Iranian saffron also excellent.” Pentagon brass prefer two weeks to Fox & Friends commercials. A malfunctioning 8-Ball prompted forty-seven retries. Next up: a Lincoln Bedroom mirror debate versus a hand-drawn Iran. Fallback plan: Barron’s rock-paper-scissors.