FAIRBANKS, Alaska — Fairbanks declared a state of emergency Tuesday after the town’s lone thermometer hit 75°F, which officials called “basically Mercury.” Mayor Patricia Coldwell activated response protocols at 2:47 PM as 32,000 residents entered “unprecedented thermal distress.” Longtimer Bjorn Frostbottom appeared in his lightest parka, a 15‑pound down jacket, and admitted he spent three hours on Google learning air conditioning is “a reverse heater.” Nearby, Ingrid Snowshoe fanned herself with a frozen salmon while sled dogs panted in confusion. Emergency services fielded 400 calls, including “Is it normal for ice to turn into water?” The fire department deployed all three vehicles to deliver ice chips, and the hospital treated 17 cases of “acute perspiration syndrome.” Coldwell requested 50,000 ice cubes from Minnesota, though experts warned the cubes may not survive the 2,100-mile journey. Tourists poured in to witness “the anthropological event of the century,” filming mittened locals wrestling beach umbrellas and puzzling over shorts. With temperatures refusing to drop below 70°F, officials braced for “Night of the Living Sweat.” The first-ever Excessive Heat Warning urged residents to sit by open freezers and avoid “existing.” KFAR broadcast tips like “remove snow boots.” The council will debate relocating to northern Canada, where mukluks still mean something.