MILWAUKEE — Derek Hoffman, 34, was clearing his 87-year-old grandmother Mildred’s phone when her 847 Telegram cat stickers were declared “genesis collectibles” for an unmade game, CatVerse Infinity. A self-described Web3 archaeologist posted a 47-part thread about “embedded utility protocols” in slightly different tabby expressions. Overnight, Grandma Millie’s folder hit $2.3 million. The bidding spiked when Twitch streamer xXCatLord420Xx offered $50,000 for an orange tabby with “historically significant crossed eyes.” “She’s cornered the feline gaming economy,” said Marcus Webthree, pointing to sticker #347’s “premium battle whiskers.” Mildred, still sending cats to her neighbor Carol, sighed, “I just think the little kitties are cute,” which added $30,000. Then Telegram CEO Pavel Durov unveiled a “Retroactive Gamification Initiative,” converting every old message into TeleGame assets. Searches for “delete 2019 Telegram messages” jumped 847%. A therapist diagnosed Retroactive Digital Anxiety Disorder. One 2019 voice note sold for $15,000 as a “rare social anxiety artifact.” At press time, Mildred blasted her entire sticker pack to her church group, prompting a Vatican statement and emergency blockchain talks.