Authorities are still reconstructing the Riverside Park incident in which 8-year-old Tommy Henderson reportedly defeated Darth Vader using a blue pool noodle and devastating monkey bar maneuvers. The clash began at 3:30 PM when Vader demanded children surrender juice boxes and goldfish crackers. “Not today, bucket head,” Tommy said, marching forward. The seventeen-minute duel featured a “floor is lava” stance and a finishing move he called the “ultimate wedgie force.” Dr. Marcus Steinberg of the community college praised Tommy’s tactics. “He knew the cape would snag on the slide, and the seesaw launch was genius,” he said. “Around minute twelve, Vader fumbles for his inhaler, and the kid calls a monkey bar race. It was over before it started.” The Empire blamed seasonal allergies and an ice cream truck distraction. Witnesses saw Vader limping to his TIE Fighter, muttering about his LinkedIn. Tommy now demands a rebel base, allowance in galactic credits, and a Death Star. He forced Vader to sign a makeshift Jedi certificate before retreat. “Rematch anytime,” he announced. “Next time I’m bringing my Super Soaker.”