Kauai, HI — Mark Zuckerberg hosted a three-day “Bunker Bootcamp” at his 1,500-acre compound, inviting 14 FEMA officials to observe rehearsed apocalypse scenarios. Dozens of interns acted out scripted disasters with color-coded lanyards and assigned screams. Whiteboards tracked heart rate, eye movement, and bunker door latency. A wall display read “Apocalypse v3.7.” Zuckerberg called it a resilience lab. Locals called it rehearsal for an app they didn’t download. “Today we’re testing Category 5 Panic,” Zuckerberg said, tapping a tablet labeled Panic Dashboard. A female intern shouted, “ZOMBIE BREACH BETA,” then collapsed exactly on the tape mark. A FEMA deputy from Region IX asked for evacuation plans; he received a QR code labeled “Feelings.” Minutes later, a siren blared and a smoke machine filled the dining hall with hickory-scented fog. A giant screen displayed split tests: Meteor Fear vs. Supply Fear vs. Betrayal Fear. Meteor Fear posted higher comments per minute. By night, Zuckerberg ranked crises like product features. “Nuclear does well with dads,” he noted. “But our tsunami arc drives loyalty.” Interns practiced panic faces at mirrors to hit retention goals. FEMA departed with swag bags reading “Preparedness, But Make It Frictionless.” At sunrise, the compound ran Apocalypse v4.0: Internet Outage. Two interns passed out. Engagement hit 98%. Zuckerberg asked for push notifications.