CUPERTINO, CA — Apple announced the iPhone (Taylor’s Version) today, a portless device curated by newly appointed Chief Breakup Officer Taylor Swift. Tim Cook said the charger port was removed “to avoid toxic attachments,” as a giant slide showed a Lightning cable with a red X. Swift nodded solemnly and confirmed the phone now supports Clean Break Mode, which wipes old photos every midnight like “a mature boundary.” Cook praised Swift’s leadership in “cutting cords respectfully but firmly.” She then took the mic and described features: Ghost Mode silences ex-contacts for 13 business days; Red Flag Recognition scans texts for “u up?” and auto-replies with a boilerplate statement; and the charger box now includes tissues, a friendship bracelet, and a notarized closure letter. “We’re not charging for the charger,” Cook said. “We’re not including one.” Preorders opened at $1,399, with a lavender case called The Era. Journalists asked how to charge it. Cook smiled. “Wireless. Emotionally and electrically.” An Apple rep strummed a single acoustic chord while a demo phone auto-unfollowed eight problematic accessories. The event ended with a silent montage of cables fading away as Swift whispered, “We are never ever plugging back together.”