CUPERTINO, CA—California Highway Patrol ticketed the ghost of Steve Jobs Tuesday for operating his personal iCloud at 95 mph in a 65. Officer Bradley Hutchins noticed a turtlenecked apparition surrounded by floating file folders as his radar gun spit Helvetica error messages. When lights flashed, the specter tried to minimize into “the dock,” then pulled over, humming like a Mac startup chime while notification pings echoed across Highway 101. Jobs insisted cloud transport obeys bandwidth, not speed limits. “This is a fundamental misunderstanding of distributed computing,” he said, touting seamless integration that “transcends your antiquated protocols.” As Hutchins wrote the ticket, Jobs demanded a supervisor and called the process “the most counterintuitive interface since Windows Vista.” He then “reimagined” the freeway into a giant Apple logo and pitched a premium lane pass promising “zero buffering” and “lightning-fast commute times.” Drivers received push alerts for “iHighway Pro” at $99.99 a month. Hutchins issued a $485 citation. “Law is law, Honda Civic or sentient storage,” he said. Jobs vowed to disrupt traffic enforcement and make speed limits obsolete. CHP later noted they recently pulled over three joyriding, conscious Teslas.