CHICAGO — Oprah Winfrey announced “The Great Viewer Giveaway of 2025,” redistributing her 47 million fans to other hosts via a proprietary algorithm and “spiritual compatibility scores.” The first wave sent 2.3 million to Dr. Phil, as Oprah marched 200 into his green room yelling, “You get Phil! You get Phil! You ALL get your own mustachioed life coach!” Confused devotees clutched O Magazine and vision boards, but cheered. Local anchors are reeling. Milwaukee’s Steve Kowalski woke up to 47,000 new fans camping outside. “Yesterday, three watched our ice fishing safety segment,” he said, signing “Steve’s Angels” shirts. “Today I’ve got a fan club president, two tribute sites, and Brenda from Kenosha demanding my own magazine.” Similar scenes hit Topeka and Fresno. Ellen DeGeneres got 8.2 million, then barricaded herself after fans demanded grocery-aisle dancing and car giveaways. Analysts predict a daytime shake-up. Dr. Oz announced a 200-city tour and “Oz’s Army Vitamins.” Oprah teased redistributing book clubbers, subscribers, and “possibly my entire staff.” Phase Two promises “everyone gets their own Tom Cruise couch-jumping moment.”