PALO ALTO, CA — Fresh off a Senate hearing on child safety, Mark Zuckerberg arrived at Juniper Grove Kindergarten to volunteer as a “coding coach.” He brought headsets, laminated lanyards, and a laser pointer. Nap mats were stacked in a corner. The schedule was erased and replaced with “VR Ethics: 9:00–5:00.” Children were handed tiny controllers. The class cheered until the hologram turned on. A smiling holographic Zuckerberg appeared, calling himself “Coach Mark.” He explained a module on “sharing, privacy, and quarterly growth.” The hologram’s teeth never moved. “We practice consent by clicking ‘Agree’ very fast,” it said, while twinkly music played. One five-year-old asked for Goldfish crackers; the hologram granted an in-app purchase. Another tried to lie down. The headset administered a “Focus Celebration” confetti burst. “This is developmentally appropriate,” real Zuckerberg assured teachers, gesturing at a compliance chart. By noon, the kids had passed “Integrity Level 3: Don’t Snitch On Metrics.” By three, they were prompted to friend-request their parents for bathroom access. At five o’clock, the hologram led a cooldown titled “Mindful Data Extraction.” Nap time was rescheduled to Q4. Zuckerberg promised stickers for everyone, pending a successful A/B test on listening.