BAKERSFIELD, CA — Derek “Ink Face” Morrison, 34, can’t blink after his 47th face tattoo: a detailed portrait of Mr. Whiskers inked across both eyelids. He imagined seeing his cat whenever he closed his eyes. Now he can’t close them. “I look permanently surprised, which wasn’t the vibe,” he said, applying artificial tears. His face already hosts the Mona Lisa on his forehead and microscopic death‑metal lyrics on his cheeks. “His eyelids are essentially frozen semi‑open,” said Dr. Patricia Hensley. “He’s using drops every fifteen minutes and tapes them shut to sleep.” Morrison sued his artist for not warning about “functional impairment,” despite a seventeen‑page waiver that basically said, “don’t blame us if you become unemployable.” Meanwhile, selfie‑seekers gather outside a grocery store. The city council may classify him as a public art installation. “He’d be tax‑exempt,” said Councilwoman Margaret Torres, “but must stand still eight hours a day.” Morrison is torn. “Free taxes good. Statue life boring. Mr. Whiskers wouldn’t approve.” A café owner worries about liability. “What if someone tries to feed him?” Vote next week. Sunglasses requested.