RIVERSIDE, CA — A routine chemistry class became a geological event when 17-year-old Jeremy Martinez emitted what witnesses called “the rumble heard ’round the world” at 10:47 AM. Caltech’s seismology lab clocked a 3.2, sending responders hunting earthquake damage before locating the epicenter at Martinez’s desk. Administrators debated protocol. Custodians debated ventilation. “I’ve taught 23 years and never seen physics quit,” said Ms. Patricia Henley, who filed for hazard pay. “The periodic table fell off the wall. Three students dove for cover. I’m requesting a gas mask.” Caltech seismologist Dr. Margaret Steinberg confirmed a “biomechanical seismic occurrence,” adding, “I never thought I’d file a quake report on digestive phenomena.” The USGS is considering a new monitoring category. NASA called within the hour. NASA offered a summer internship to study gas dynamics in zero gravity. “A unique pressure system,” said Dr. James Richardson. MIT followed with a full ride in Advanced Digestive Acoustics. Martinez shrugged. “Leftover pizza and my mom’s bean casserole.” His mother launched a GoFundMe for foundation cracks allegedly widened by afterfarts.