CUPERTINO, CA — Apple’s new campaign veered into tragedy when spokesperson Sydney Sweeney delivered product demos like funeral monologues. Her first Fifth Avenue presentation on iPhone 16 battery life left customers “existentially hollow.” “She whispered, ‘This battery lasts all day, but will we?’” said Margaret Chen, clutching an Apple-branded tissue. “I bought three phones because my mortality felt low on charge.” Executives downplayed it until scenes repeated worldwide. Sweeney pitched AirPods Pro noise cancellation as a soliloquy about the sounds we silence. “She held up those tiny white earbuds like Yorick’s skull,” said manager David Rodriguez. “People wept into their credit cards. Sales spiked anyway.” Her Apple Watch demo became a meditation on time’s futility, prompting stores to hire grief counselors and stock tissues at checkout. “Customers keep returning for the catharsis,” said analyst Sarah Morrison. Apple stock soared. Tim Cook praised the emotional connection, “just not the profound spiritual awakening triggered by smartphone features.” The company now requires emotional liability waivers and offers therapy with purchases over $500. Insiders fear her MacBook talk—on the weight of our digital lives—may need extra staff.