MONTEREY BAY, Calif. — Marine biologist Dr. Sarah Chen accidentally tuned her hydrophone into fish sports commentary. A sarcastic grouper mocked a “dying beetle stroke,” revealing decades of reef scoreboards rating humans. Parrotfish carve numbers. Angelfish judge. Categories include technical execution, artistic impression, and “overall aquatic dignity.” One review: “Moves like a three-legged octopus having a seizure — 1.5/10.” Local diver Mike Rodriguez wasn’t shocked. “The fish laugh at me,” he said. Chen found testimonials where Pacific yellowtail warn Atlantic cod about specific humans. A tourist from Ohio “makes bubbles like a broken washing machine.” Underwater photographers rank worst: “Fins flailing like angry spaghetti while trying to capture our good side.” The International Scuba Diving Association now wants seats on the panels, citing inter-species sporting ethics. Negotiations stalled over whether excess bubbles are a flaw or art. Dolphins advise on technique. Seals weigh in on flippers. One seal review: “Human attempts at swimming: Nature’s cruelest joke.” Dive shops now offer “Fish-Approved” classes. The ocean’s longest-running reality show just got ratings.