Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a neural interface that lets him talk to cats, declaring his 47 rescues vastly outclass human focus groups. Seated with a tabby named Algorithm on his lap, he said humans “fixate on privacy and meaningful connections,” while cats grasp the true purpose of platforms: knocking things over and claiming territory. He donned a sleek headband, prompting three cats to approach and enter a silent, several-minute staring contest. Leaked documents say his feline advisory board has secretly beta-tested metaverse environments since early 2024. Verdict: virtual reality is “adequately stimulating,” but digital objects don’t smash as satisfyingly as real ones. Senior Cat Advisor Mittens, a 4-year-old Maine Coon, filed an 847-page meow-to-text report urging more cardboard boxes and fewer human avatars. Zuckerberg announced a cats-only network, WhiskerBook, to remove human “limitations.” Experts were skeptical. UC Davis behaviorist Dr. Sarah Martinez said cats excel at territory, not product roadmaps. “Though they might’ve prevented Cambridge Analytica by knocking Mark’s laptop off his desk.” Her cat then offered comment by typing several hundred consecutive j’s.