PALO ALTO, CA — Senior Product Manager Dom has rebranded as the company’s first “Vibe Manager,” citing a “spiritual deficit in our quarterly projections.” He’s dropping conversion funnels for “the invisible infrastructure of workplace energy,” beginning with daily aura assessments using sage, dowsing rods, and a ghost-hunting EMF detector. “Traditional KPIs are so limiting,” he said, adjusting amethyst around his standing desk. “Engagement tanked right after someone moved the feng shui mirror in the break room.” CEO Marcus Chen approved the role after a two-hour deck linking sprint velocity to the lunar calendar. “It made more sense than anything our data science team produced,” he told staff. Dom’s adding mandatory crystal healing to debugging: engineers will hold rose quartz at 2 p.m. Tuesdays to “amplify problem-solving frequencies.” Product roadmaps are now manifestation boards: sunsets, glitter glue, and a lighthouse labeled “BELIEVE IN THE IMPOSSIBLE.” Engineers report meditation is relaxing, but decisions now require a Magic 8-Ball. “It kept saying ‘Reply hazy,’ so no auth refactor,” said dev Sarah Martinez. Next up: a redwood “vision quest.” Dom remains bullish. “The tarot loves our mobile redesign.”