Local resident Derek Patterson awoke to the most disturbing hangover of his life: full recall of acting like an adult. The 34-year-old remembers declining tequila, having meaningful conversations with strangers whose names he still knows, and, worst of all, arriving home early with his wallet, keys, and dignity intact. His girlfriend confirmed he returned at 10:30 PM speaking in sentences and immediately organized his sock drawer. “I keep having flashbacks of saying ‘No thanks, I’m good’ when Brad offered a fourth beer,” Patterson said, fiddling with his fully charged phone. “I listened to Sarah from accounting talk about her cat. I asked follow-ups. What kind of monster am I?” Psychiatrist Dr. Margaret Holloway diagnosed the first case of Sobriety Remorse Syndrome: regret triggered by making no regrettable decisions, including tipping an Uber, texting his mother back, and discussing municipal water policy with a stranger named Kevin. Coworkers report alarming stability: punctual meetings, helpful insights, no coffee complaints. Advocates urge awareness. Patterson vows to never drink responsibly again, promising to “get absolutely wasted” at his cousin’s wedding. He scheduled more therapy after meal-prepping and paying bills on time.