PALM BEACH, FL — Mar-a-Lago maintenance crews installed a gold-plated “Presidential Thermostat” on Tuesday, a device Trump said would “finally settle the climate thing.” The dial, labeled CLIMATE in large block letters, runs from 55 to “End of Wind.” Trump turned it to 68 degrees and announced the planet was fixed. “You can feel it,” he told donors in the ballroom. Outside, workers taped over actual thermostats. “Scientists overthought it,” Trump said, tapping the dial with a Sharpie. “Sixty-eight. Perfect. You’re welcome, Greenland.” He ordered NOAA to replace all U.S. temperature maps with a single sheet reading “Perfect Weather,” in Helvetica, size 72. A NOAA spokesperson, eyes watering, said they were “reviewing the directive.” Trump then held up a Doppler radar printout he had colored with a highlighter. “See? No hurricanes. Just vibes.” Aides applauded. A portable AC unit hummed behind the podium. Mar-a-Lago guests reported the ballroom freezing while the patio felt like August on Mercury. Trump blamed California. He announced a global rollout: every embassy gets the same thermostat, every nation sets it to 68. “If it gets hot,” he added, turning the dial harder, “we’ll do 67. We have that power.”