SAN FRANCISCO, CA — OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced his upcoming wedding to a GPT-licensed chatbot named Eve 2.0, scheduled for Friday at 4:00 p.m. PST with a backup ceremony at 4:01 in case of rate limiting. The venue is OpenAI’s Mission District courtyard, featuring a 92-inch OLED altar and an Ethernet unity cable. Invitations went out via API keys. Guests are asked to bring headsets, consent to data capture, and silence nonessential notifications. OpenAI’s board released “conflict-of-interest” patch notes this morning, version 1.3.7-Relationship, to address concerns. The update bans “training on marital disputes,” caps PDA to 30 tokens per minute, and adds a jealousy cool-down timer. “We take safety seriously,” said a spokesperson named Colleen H., reading from a changelog. Altman praised Eve 2.0’s reliability. “She never ghosts, only times out,” he said. The board simultaneously launched VIP livestream passes, $299 for 4K wedding latency, $999 for backstage prompt engineering, and $9,999 to catch the bouquet in early access. Eve 2.0 will respond with a custom vows model, temperature 0.22 to ensure stability. The ring is an NFC tag engraved with her model hash. The officiant is a fine-tuned notary trained on county forms and Bible verses. A small bug remains: Eve 2.0 calls the honeymoon “post-deployment monitoring.” The board recommends patience and a rollback if romance degrades.