PISCATAWAY, NJ — Local CPA Dwayne Johnson awoke to 50,000 Instagram tags after The Rock announced “Fast & Furious 47: Even Faster, More Furious.” His phone vibrated off the nightstand, through the floor, and allegedly pinged Rutgers geology sensors. “I thought it was a heart attack,” said Johnson, 34. “It was my phone having a nervous breakdown.” By noon, the device was smoking and sounding like “electronic bees.” For a decade, @dwaynejohnson_nj has absorbed misdirected fandom, proposals, and protein powder offers. “They offered $2 million. I’m lactose intolerant,” he said, sorting DMs stacked to the ceiling. Yesterday brought 800,000 new followers and a new problem: autonomy. “My phone accepted ‘Jumanji: The Accounting’ for $20 million,” he said. “I don’t know what a stunt double is, but I’m apparently getting three.” Instagram’s Jennifer Martinez confirmed 2,000 support tickets begging for a “Wrong Dwayne” button. “We’re exploring an ‘I’m not that ridiculously attractive’ option,” she said. The real Rock offered a temporary life swap. “I’m ready for tax season,” he posted. “Call me, brother.” Johnson nodded. “Fine. He can do Schedule C. I’ll bench-press the printer.”