The internet has formally named Pedro Pascal its adoptive father after he began replying to every post with variations of “I’m proud of you, mijo.” Within 72 hours, the 50-year-old somehow answered 847 million posts, from TikTok dances to LinkedIn updates. Tech experts blame “quantum dadness,” a suspected state allowing him to exist across platforms and dispense infinite, handsome validation. “I posted a picture of my sandwich and Pedro said he was proud of my lunch choices,” sobbed college student Maya Rodriguez. “I haven’t felt this validated since my actual father remembered my birthday three years ago.” Reports cite improved mental health and a sudden urge to call moms. Furious, Tim Berners-Lee filed an emergency injunction, calling users his “digital offspring.” “I literally invented this space,” he said. Zuckerberg, Musk, and Dorsey joined, claiming guardianship despite decades of evidence otherwise. Legal experts foresee an Internet Family Court. Pascal allegedly employs 50,000 assistants yet personally approves every “I’m proud of you.” Fans plan “Save Our Internet Dad” rallies. “Without him, we’d need real self-esteem,” warned Dr. Sarah Chen. “That sounds exhausting.”