YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. — Sparklemane, a 347-year-old unicorn, turned Old Faithful into Thunderdome after backing into an 800-pound grizzly while framing the perfect selfie. The 2:47 p.m. eruption became the backdrop for hoof-to-claw mayhem. “I thought it was street theater,” said tourist Margaret Hendricks. “Then I realized my insurance doesn’t cover unicorn incidents.” Rangers arrived with protocols that screamed “nope.” Tranquilizer darts pinged off Sparklemane’s shimmer. Rainbow magic glanced off the bear’s fur. “The manual says nothing about a unicorn using its horn like a medieval lance,” said Chief Ranger Patricia Yellowbird, who called the National Guard and the Department of Mythical Creature Affairs. Peace finally came via Dr. Cornelius Twinklebottom, a mediation specialist, who brokered a truce with honey-glazed salmon and enchanted oats. Now the paperwork brawl begins. “There’s no checkbox for ‘unicorn involvement,’” admitted Deputy Superintendent James Morrison, still bouncing between agencies while the IRS asks about three centuries of back taxes. The park remains closed. Sparklemane apologized on Instagram: “Check for bears before backing up for the gram. #UnicornProblems.”