CUPERTINO, CA — In a move analysts called “peak Apple,” Tim Cook unveiled the iHole, a proprietary aperture that only accepts Apple-certified atmospheric particles for “Bluetooth-enabled quantum energy harvesting.” He announced it atop a 12-foot heap of discarded Lightning cables and USB-C adapters. The pinhole-sized port requires $299 AirPods Pro Max Ultra to compress air into Apple-compatible molecules. “We perfected the molecular signature of premium oxygen,” Cook said, gesturing to a chamber of 99.7% pure iAir. Samsung rushed out “Galaxy Breeze,” which charges by exhaling on your phone for 47 hours. A beta tester said her iPhone 17 Pro gained 2% after 16 hours of AirPod-fueled jumping jacks. “I’m exercising and supporting innovation,” she gasped. Analysts cheered Apple’s knack for creating scarcity from abundance as shares jumped 200%. Air dealers now sell Mason jars of “iPhone-compatible oxygen” for $50 per liter. Environmental groups warned of “air inequality.” Cook promised iAir Stores with $89.99 monthly breathing subscriptions. Getting emotional, he called it “courage.” He then demonstrated revolutionary trickle charging: 45 minutes by a desk fan for 0.3%. Next year: iVoid, powered by your existential dread.