OMAHA, NE—Former President Joe Biden has moved to Nebraska to shadow 94-year-old Warren Buffett, notepad in hand and shorts alarmingly snug. He calls it “value following.” Biden now trails the Oracle of Omaha to grocery stores, dental appointments, and Dairy Queen, asking, “What would you do, Warren?” before deciding on cereal, TV angles, or toenails. Buffett says he advised a podiatrist; Biden wrote, “Invest in foot care.” Locals report Biden hovering three feet back, documenting “longitudinal fruit assessment methodology.” A grocer watched him debate banana ripeness for twenty minutes, then buy $200 worth “because others were fearful.” Buffett says the line was crossed in a public restroom and has hired part-time security. He addressed it at a shareholders meeting: “I’ve made questionable investments, but Joe-as-shadow may be my first negative return. He’s a very enthusiastic golden retriever asking about compound interest.” Biden now livestreams as @BidenBuffettWatch and seeks advice on “left sock first” as a strategy. He vows to follow Buffett “20 to 30 years, actuarial tables permitting.” Goldman calls the volatility “stalking-related market uncertainty.”