PALO ALTO, CA — Elon Musk achieved unintended orbit Tuesday after his Tesla Model S mistook parallel parking for launch. Security footage shows him jabbing the touchscreen, then a “weekend project” thruster package lit up, blasting the car through a Starbucks roof. “I was just getting a venti Pike Place, now I’m above the ISS,” Musk tweeted, adding, “Starlink up here is mid.” Barista Jennifer Martinez heard a roar, watched the exhaust shatter every window, and ducked. “He’d asked for oat milk and cake pops,” she said, dusted in espresso. “Then there’s a car-shaped hole and a text from space: ‘Is my drink ready for pickup?’” NASA says the vehicle is stable at 17,500 mph. Mission Control’s Dr. Sarah Chen confirmed the first customer complaint from orbit: “He wants DoorDash to rendezvous. Rocket delivery is still in beta.” The FAA is unsure who handles orbital parking tickets. SpaceX engineers are drafting a re-entry protocol that won’t void the warranty. Starbucks will hold the latte “until further notice,” which typically means two hours, not two orbital periods.