Downtown LA got a caffeine bunker as Milla Jovovich unveiled “Undead Bytes,” a zombie‑proof internet café with steel doors, motion sensors, and “tactical seating” for 360-degree scrolling. The launch paused when the Italian espresso machine hissed and Jovovich answered with a flawless roundhouse, sending an $8,000 La Marzocco into a pastry avalanche. Staff spent three hours extracting grounds from an emergency flare gun. Customers must complete combat orientation to get the WiFi. “I came to update LinkedIn and learned machete handling,” said Marcus Chen, who field-stripped a rifle before email. The café enforces a “no running while typing” policy. “Panic typing ruins keystrokes and awareness,” Jovovich said, adjusting the crossbow by the printer. Patrons praised reinforced bathroom doors and complimentary pepper spray. “Finally, I can write my novel without an undead interruption,” said Janet Morrison, guarding sight lines. Health inspectors side-eyed the weapons cache by the panini press, then passed it. “Everything’s up to code, assuming code covers zombies,” said Robert Martinez. Reopening is Thursday, after a new espresso machine and extra steam padding.