WASHINGTON — Bill Gates unveiled the “Oprah Winfrey Bill,” mandating a monthly free item hidden under every American’s chair, funded by a 3% tech tax. A new Department of Chair-Based Distribution would tuck gift cards and appliances beneath seats nationwide. “We’re democratizing the chair-surprise,” Gates said from a conspicuously cushioned chair. He promised economic stimulus and “general happiness metrics,” calling it the most revolutionary social policy since the New Deal. Fiscal conservatives pegged the cost at $847 billion. Oprah was baffled. “I’m flattered, but why is my name currency?” she said. “Also, the gifts were usually on the chairs, not under. Under is where you keep your purse.” The bill’s first reading devolved when Sen. Chuck Grassley started checking his seat, triggering chamber-wide chair-scraping. Sen. Bernie Sanders ended up wedged upside down during a “thorough investigation.” Chuck Schumer later admitted planting a Starbucks card under one random Republican. A Georgetown economist warned of nationwide Pavlovian groping under furniture, including toilet seats. The American Chair Association forecast a 340% sales spike for “optimal gift-hiding” models. Gates teased December car drops, pending “more robust chair infrastructure.” Early polling: 67% want to feel like they’re on Oprah.