BURBANK, CA — George Lucas has reportedly repurchased Lucasfilm from Disney for $4 billion with one condition: every Disney character, across the entire catalog, becomes CGI Jar Jar Binks. The deal followed a “Special Edition” Frozen where Elsa’s palace glows with midi-chlorians and Olaf speaks only Gungan. Test footage of The Lion King featured Jar Jar as Simba, Mufasa, and the stampede. Several executives wept. None for the right reasons. Disney CEO Bob Iger, visibly rattled, defended the move. “Our data shows kids 4-12 love amphibious comic relief,” he said, eye twitching. He cited a Moana rough cut where Jar Jar voices the ocean, singing “How Far I’ll Go” and dropping “Exsqueeze me!” every third verse. Iger then reportedly excused himself to engage in “aggressive dry heaving.” Lucas promised Marvel upgrades too: mandatory 20-minute podraces in every action scene, including mid–Cap-Peggy reunion. Analysts expect completion by fall 2025. First up: Beauty and the Beast, with both leads as slightly different Jar Jar models. Early audiences called it “transcendent in its wrongness.” Lucas’s endgame: Citizen Kane, starring only Gungans. “Rosey-bud, okeeday?”