After his $32 billion offer for Ilya Sutskever’s AI startup failed, Mark Zuckerberg adopted “strategic personnel reallocation.” Translation: hire everyone around Sutskever. He started with the company’s CEO and former GitHub chief, then marched down the org chart with military precision. Insiders call it “The Great Zuckerberg Vacuum.” His LinkedIn now reads like a staffing agency with a metaverse. “I saw Mark in a hoodie that said ‘Your Boss Now’ pointing at people,” said ex-employee Jennifer Martinez, offered $400,000 to become Meta’s Senior Director of Cafeteria Innovation after he learned she bakes cookies. “He kept saying, ‘You look smart, you’re hired.’” Security guard Frank Rodriguez got a $180,000 offer as Chief Physical Security Evangelist. Lobby barista Sarah Chen was tapped to lead a “Caffeine-Driven Productivity Initiative” and promised stock and a Tesla. Zuckerberg then targeted the Uber driver, the food truck owner, and Sutskever’s dentist. “He pitched an Oral Health and Cognitive Performance team and $2.3 million,” said Dr. Patricia Hoffman. Sutskever now lunches alone, while Zuckerberg researches his childhood piano teacher.