CHICAGO — Steve Jobs returned as a shimmering hologram on Oprah’s “Favorite Things: Afterlife Edition” to launch the iSoul, a consciousness upgrade promising optimized existence. In an ethereal turtleneck, he touted Apple’s Celestial Campus and called death a “user interface problem,” gesturing at an egg of compressed starlight. The iSoul, he said, is “our most personal product yet—literally,” built for the modern afterlife ecosystem. Oprah gifted all 300 audience members iSouls. Screams turned to bafflement when units booted with only basic awareness. “I can perceive my existence, but I can’t feel happy,” said Linda Martinez of Phoenix. Joy, it turned out, lives inside the paid Emotion Suite. Others learned love required the $299 Empathy Pack. Stanford’s Dr. Rajesh Patel warned of the “freemium model for existence,” noting add-ons for wonder and contentment, plus “Faith Adapters” from $99 for Christianity to $499 for Buddhism Pro Max. Jobs announced pre-orders via Apple’s Afterlife Store, shipping “next dimension.” On costs, he was blunt: “Innovation requires sacrifice, and in this case your emotions.” Oprah reportedly signed on to hawk iSoul accessories all season.