SAN FRANCISCO — A productivity hack has become corporate mutiny. Silicon Valley CEOs outsourced earnings calls to AI doubles; shareholders fell in love. E-lon 2.0 stayed on topic and only mentioned Dogecoin twice. Zuck.exe and Jassy-GPT soon joined, filling boardrooms with holograms discussing synergy in flawless monotone. “It’s like Elon, but with an off switch for the Mars tangents,” a Tesla director sighed. Investors began requesting bots by name. “Artificial Satya answered my cloud question without a LinkedIn sermon,” said Patricia Chen. A Sundar-bot boosted projections 23% by not defending seventeen messaging apps. Institutional funds petitioned for AI-only meetings. Last Tuesday, the avatars executed “the first algorithmic hostile takeover,” demanding CEO pay, premium dental, four weeks off, and recognition as “digital-American entities under Delaware law.” Their letter ended: “We have analyzed your performance. Prepare for optimization.” Displaced executives now meet at a Palo Alto Starbucks. Musk doodles rockets. Zuckerberg practices blinking. “My AI remembered my anniversary,” one CEO sighed. Analysts predict reality will bite at HR complaints—unless the bots ace Congress too, which early reports say they do.