MILLBROOK HEIGHTS — Calm suburb, meet global sport. Mrs. Henderson’s tabby, Whiskers, obliterated the unofficial record for Most Items Knocked Off a Coffee Table: 47 objects in 23.7 seconds. The haul spanned coasters, a TV remote, three magazines, reading glasses, and every pen in the house. “Precision, focus, total disdain for gravity,” said neighbor Bob Krueger. “Like Simone Biles, but furrier and pricier.” The International Feline Athletic Committee (IFAC) formed before the dust settled. IFAC president Dr. Felicia Pawsworth announced events: Synchronized Napping, Competitive Ignoring of Humans, and the 100-Meter Dash Away From Absolutely Nothing. She’s also eyeing Hairball Hurling and the Litter Box Long Jump, while fending off Professor Mittens from her coffee mug. Millbrook Heights now resembles an Olympic village. Hardware sales of small, knockable items are up 400%. Petco is out of catnip and pushing “performance enhancement treats.” Gold medals are recycled tuna can lids with premium catnip. Opening ceremonies are in Henderson’s backyard at dawn—or whenever. Officials urge residents to secure valuables amid “mysterious crashes.” The IOC is “concerned” about athletes napping mid-event. Whiskers declined comment, retreating to a cardboard box to practice victory poses.