WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Trade Commission filed an emergency suit Tuesday after LA Fitness launched an “Escape Room Cancellation” policy. The policy requires members to solve twelve sequential puzzles, locate a hidden key behind a rowing machine, and bench press 300 pounds to quit. FTC Chair Lina Khan called it a “dark pattern with kettlebells.” The suit targets clubs nationwide, with the first hearing set for Thursday in the Central District of California. Managers defended the ritual as “engagement-focused offboarding.” A Glendale location handed departing member Trevor S., 34, a laminated map marked “Zone 6: The Spinning Sphinx.” Staff said he failed Puzzle 8 by mispronouncing “Tabata” under a fog machine. “We just want to empower members to escape their limitations,” said VP of Retention Kayla Drees, speaking beneath a countdown clock labeled “Cooldown of Doom.” When asked about the 300-pound requirement, she replied, “We allow spotters, but they must be current members in good standing.” The FTC requested a temporary restraining order and bolt cutters. LA Fitness countered by introducing a $49.99 “Skip Puzzle 3” add-on and a $19.99 “Bench Press Insurance Fee.” The final puzzle reportedly involves locating the exit, which is painted on. “Our doors are always open,” said Drees, gesturing toward a mural of a door. It did not open.