AUSTIN, TX—Elon Musk confirmed he has gained 50 pounds from “involuntary physiological response to digital feedback loops,” also known as stress-eating while doomscrolling his own replies. Appearing rounder at his Austin compound, he claimed the weight sharpened his engineering. “You can’t grasp gravity until you’ve carried it,” he said, opening a fourth breakfast burrito. An MIT biomechanist, not consulted, called this correlation “deeply concerning.” Musk says he spends 14 hours daily on X, calling it “market research.” Witnesses call it gasping, then snacking. “He ate a sleeve of Oreos after someone called the Cybertruck ‘geometrically challenged,’” said a former intern. He then sketched a food truck, muttering about “monetizing the munchies.” Soon, Tesla unveiled “Chonky Cybertruck,” serving deep-fried memes: Doge Nuggets, Stonks Fries, and Wojak Waffles that taste like “existential dread with maple.” Lines formed, confusion lingered. Asked about Mars, Musk said the mission needs “thicc energy.” Candidates must gain 30 pounds for “planetary resonance.” He also unveiled a Tesla scale measuring “entrepreneurial density.” It flashed “MAXIMUM INNOVATION ACHIEVED,” and he announced in-car snack dispensers. Markets reacted predictably unpredictably.