SEATTLE, WA — After skimming a climate study about increasing planetary albedo, Bill Gates announced a personal geoengineering plan: eat 400 pints of Ben & Jerry’s every day. He said cooling starts “inside me, then radiates outward.” His foundation posted a spreadsheet showing pint-by-pint temperature impact, column-labeled “Mint-Condition Cooling Coefficient.” He selected only flavors with blue packaging for “maximum chill.” He called the effort Project Frosted Tundra. Gates described the regimen at a press conference held in his kitchen at 6:12 a.m. A chest freezer hummed behind him like a data center. “We tried aerosols,” he said, lifting Cherry Garcia like a beaker. “Now we try dairy.” He promised a pilot in King County, scaling to global consumption by Q3. A Microsoft intern tracked spoonfuls on a Surface Pro. Ben & Jerry’s announced a new flavor, Billionaire Brain Freeze, with 0.000001°C of “verified cooling per scoop.” Greta Thunberg tweeted a confused thumbs-up emoji. By noon, delivery trucks formed a three-mile line along NE 41st Street. A Fitbit on Gates’ wrist vibrated “Ice Goal Achieved” after Pint 317. NASA reported a localized cloud of mint aroma over Puget Sound. “The data are clear,” Gates mumbled through a waffle cone. “If I get a headache, that’s negative feedback.” He then approved a second freezer, calling it “scaling responsibly.”