After a $2.4 trillion buyout of every media outlet on Earth, Disney’s MagicFilter 3.0 now recasts all content as family-friendly quests. Supreme Court rulings arrive as musicals. True crime becomes hugs. War coverage gets jazz hands. Brand consistency, executives say, now includes talking animals, moral lessons, and zero consequences beyond character growth. Legal scholars were stunned when a tax case premiered as “Princess Taxalina and the Seven Economic Indicators.” Animated deer explain compound interest. The heroine learns sharing treasure boosts the kingdom. Chief Justice Roberts’ opinion now reads, “The real tax haven was the friends she made along the way.” Netflix’s serial-killer docs became tales of “lonely princes.” Ted Bundy is “Prince Theodore,” guided by Professor Hoot-Hoot. “It showed the humanity in everyone,” said viewer Margaret Chen. “Still not sure why he hosted ‘magical sleepovers’ in the forest.” CNN maps now show Team Friendship vs. Team Needs-A-Hug, with anchor duets. The White House holds Royal Court Story Time. “At least inflation rhymes,” sighed analyst Dr. Sarah Martinez. From “The Little Accountant Who Could” to BBC lions as “hungry friends,” Disney insists every ending is happy.