SAN FRANCISCO — Grammarly acquired email startup Superhuman, citing studies that 72% faster emailing was accelerating civilization’s collapse. The $825 million deal follows research showing users became “email-sending cyborgs with the social skills of a particularly aggressive spam bot.” One study found Superhuman users sent 847 emails daily, mostly “Let’s circle back” plus 23 ways to schedule a meeting about meetings. “We realized we had created a monster,” said Superhuman CEO Rahul Vohra, via a 47-email thread that included his grocery list and a dancing cat GIF. A user reportedly called his mother to “hop on a quick call to discuss Thanksgiving logistics.” Grammarly CEO Rahul Roy-Chowdhury plans to rebrand as “That Company That Makes You Feel Bad About Your Writing But Now Also Your Email Habits,” announced through passive-aggressive Slack messages. Beta testers report prompts like “This seems needy” and “Consider therapy.” A new feature tracks email-to-human-interaction ratios and sends daily shame reports to emergency contacts. Analysts predict 73% of the professional self-doubt market by 2026. “Finally,” said user Jennifer Martinez, “a disapproving English teacher and caffeinated coach in one laptop.”