EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel’s Ozempic Barbie is a record-breaking flop after kids declared her “super boring” and unplayable. The $29.99 doll has a slightly smaller waist and a tiny injection pen, plus phrases that turn every scenario into a transformation saga. “She wouldn’t go to the Dream House pool party,” said 8-year-old Madison Fletcher. “She kept saying, ‘I can’t eat tiny plastic cupcakes—do you know how many points those are?’ Then Ken asked her to surf and she said, ‘Not ready for swimsuit season. Have I mentioned I’ve lost 15 pounds?’” Child development expert Dr. Rebecca Martinez says the doll derails play by pivoting to portion control and “newfound confidence.” One kid’s space mission was interrupted when Barbie announced she’d found “sustainable weight loss through lifestyle changes and medical intervention.” Many children now banish her to “timeout corner,” where she keeps monologuing to no one. Mattel defended the doll as “reflecting adult realities” and teased a software update so she can discuss low-calorie recipes and workouts. Facebook Marketplace is flooded with trades. Bootlegs that let her talk about anything else sell for double. The “unsolicited advice” feature remains, reportedly “working as intended.”