LONDON — A routine Tuesday at Hell’s Kitchen London imploded when Gordon Ramsay turned his signature “idiot sandwich” from metaphor to projectile. After clocking a critic who called the risotto “competent but uninspired,” Ramsay reportedly wrapped the man’s head in sourdough and launched him. The human panini caromed into a $300-per-plate wagyu tray, and a Michelin-starred dining room became a war zone of truffle oil and caviar. “Gordon was already seeing red,” said server Amanda Fletcher, still combing out truffle shavings. Wagyu rained onto Russian oligarchs mid–oil merger toast. “It was like dominoes, but with caviar,” said diner Margaret Thornsby, ducking as a $2,000 Château d’Yquem detonated. A nitrogen sphere burst near the cellar, fogging the battlefield. “I saw a man in a three-piece suit fencing with lobster thermidor,” added busboy Timothy Walsh. “Beautiful and terrifying.” The riot ended when Ramsay slipped on deconstructed tiramisu, leveling a six-hour croquembouche. He surveyed the wreckage. “Bloody hell. My most expensive kitchen nightmare,” he muttered, stepping over an $800 cheese course. Management announced “deep cleaning and philosophical reflection.” The critic promised a review: “Five Stars for Spectacle.”