WASHINGTON — President Rick Sanchez wiped out $35 trillion in debt by selling Earth to the Galactic Property Consortium of C-274X, then realized mid-inauguration he’d forgotten which dimension he moved America to. Chief Justice John Roberts watched as Sanchez burped through the oath, pulled a glowing green device, and frantically mashed buttons while muttering about “dimensional coordinates” and “where the hell did I put America.” “I’ve never seen a president lose a nation before finishing his first speech,” said CNN’s Margaret Chen. Sanchez bragged about “forty-seven trillion flerbos,” which Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen confirmed converted to exactly the debt plus interest. Then he panic-drank, insisting all dimensions “look the same when you’re wasted.” At a rushed presser, he admitted he “maybe, possibly, definitely” forgot to bookmark the reality. “Look, you move a civilization, you forget the bookmark — it happens,” Sanchez said. “We’re debt-free and probably have better Wi‑Fi.” Speaker Mike Johnson called it “fiscally responsible, geographically insane.” Experts say finding the U.S. could take weeks or millennia, depending on whether Sanchez picked “the good pizza one” or “the tentacle place.”